The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
