i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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