Ketchup is God's man juice
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I stole a fireplace last night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
