if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
