big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
