i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
