The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Drunk is a universal language darling
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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