I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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