her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
