I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
