no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
