Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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