I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
