I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
