i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
they need to just BURY HIM!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
