I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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