I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
