As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She needs sedatives and a leash
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
