When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
