My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
