You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
