she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
if only i could text you this smell
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
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