you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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