I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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