I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
