if i can run in heels then i can drive
I smell stomach acid.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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