Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
This house was built for laser tag.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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