So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
