The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
