His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
