I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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