living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
