Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
