i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
