i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
