I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
