I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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