I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
