i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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