I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
