sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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