i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My life is pants optional.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
