If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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