ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
