My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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