I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
tell me about the eggs
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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