Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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