i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
