As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
