there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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