allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
