she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
