some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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