I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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