I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
what is it with giant penises always finding me
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
