She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
