If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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