I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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