FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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