my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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