There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
